Observations from the other side

So I had the experience last night of being the bride at the bridal shower.

Yes, I'm getting married.   But let me just clarify one thing for you:  If I would have married the significant relationships in my life I would be married and divorced three times already.  Something (divine intervention, a logical and orderly universe) prevented that from happening.  

Which leads me to my next observation.  As I walked through the casino where we met last night (no, not Vegas but closer to home) I got a lot of congratulations but more significant was the girl behind the counter.  She said "Congratulations, I hope it works out, I've been married and divorced two times."  Ummm.....shocked was I.  Stunned.  If she was over thirty, I'd be surprised.  But mostly, I felt bad for her.  Bad because really, her anger just spewed out all over.  Yeah, I could be offended for me, but really this leads to the bigger issue that I find in doing interviews for this project, what is holding people back.  The baggage is usually an emotional hangup from some other relationship.

  A few years back I remember 'This Guy' made some inklings that he may want to be more than friends.  I can't say enough nice things about This Guy.  This Guy was charming, boyishly handsome, talented, spiritually connected and yes, I would have liked to have been WAY more friends with This Guy.  We went out in group encounters.  We ran in similar circles.  And while This Guy wanted so much to take this to a new level, This Guy ran into my BITTER HATE MACHINE.  The BITTER HATE MACHINE that was running behind my cheery disposition and smile, behind my great-looking in jeans, behind my cutest girl in the waitstaff, behind my great behind.  The BITTER HATE MACHINE was the undercurrent from my last relationship.  It came out in small edges in my responses about life.  It came out when someone was trying to flirt with me.  It came out in my guarded retorts.  The BITTER HATE MACHINE became totally evident to me while in conversation with This Guy in the fact that I couldn't respond to someone's earnest desire to get to know me better because I was edged with barbed wire responses and desperation.  These two combinations are so totally painful and deadly to someone trying to date.  It's that moment that I realized that in someone's earnest trying to get to know me was my response emotionally, desperate to make something happen in order to fill a void in myself left by the last relationship.  I can't tell you the exact details of the conversation but it was like "What are you up to" icebreaker question "Oh, I have to work, work really sucks, my life really sucks right now, I'm so tired I've been up all night" things that are better left telling a therapist than someone you perhaps want to go to a movie with so that you've done something other than work.  I didn't realize what happened until after the conversation.  I was a complete drag.  And yet, I wanted this person to be interested in me so I could fulfill that hole that relationship prior had left.  The hole left was mine to fill.  I needed to be happy with me, not because I had x, y, z, or This Guy was in my life or not.  And such is the trap of dating and relationships. He stopped calling.  I called him once to wish him some happy holiday thing.  And he thanked me and said it was nice to talk to me but he was in the middle of something with friends.  Polite, kind, nothing less than a gentleman.  He could have just not picked up the phone, but he didn't, he answered and spoke to me.  I ran into him in social circles often.  He was nothing less of nice.  And we are still friendly and kind to each other to this day. 

What I ended up doing after This Guy's encounter was crying.  A lot.  Realizing that I was angry and bitter and had to change that, I started looking towards filling that void with something else.  And while it took me another relationship with whom I called "the one" only to have that smashed into my face to finally get to the place of putting me as the most important person first, I will never forget This Guy and the valuable lesson he taught me.  Sometimes, people just want to get to know you and don't have malicious intent.  They're looking for things like you're looking for things.  They've probably had failed relationships too that left them bitter and angry.  Sometimes they've overcome that.  And sometimes they haven't.  Just because someone steps into the circle and then decides that it's not what they're looking for, yes it's rejection, but if we can allow ourselves to say no then we can allow others to say no.  Sometimes no is not now.  And sometimes no is just no.  

So to the girl at the casino counter:  I see your hurt.  I see your pain.  I've been there.  Two failed marriages don't make you who you are.  You do.  Someone is going to say yes to you.  You've had the experiences of no.  No is a good place to be.  And because you've had the experience of yes and then no, you have some things to look out for for the next time.  Be grateful.  They're giving you you back.