2013 Updates

But here's a snippet of what's being going on it my life.
It's rather public!
So exciting.  But yes, I am still working on this project.  And still doing more research.  It's really funny when you start something and things don't work out the way you want.  So this started off with me saying I was going to research about dating and focus on a few groups in terms of dating and practices.  And then the following things happened:

1.  didn't get the grant I wanted

2.  Geek Love on TLC

3.   Polyamory: Married and Dating on Showtime

4.  Strange Sex on TLC


Since 2 of the above subjects were a part of my research and one is just plain easy research, it is giving me more time and more opportunity to keep going, and really let our current slice of life really feed this play.  AWESOME!!!  And now I don't have to work so hard.  So readers,  I ask you, what is going on in your life?  Are you dating?  Having more than one partner?  Having fun?  I am still interviewing people and would love to hear from you.

Want, Feel and Need

I've mentioned that I am doing a lot of research, reading blogs, interviewing daters, interviewing relationship coaches.  So if there is something that you come across and think it's relevant, please send it my way.   But a huge part of this is coming from an inner creative spark, from a place of feeling rather than intellectualizing. 
I recently found a few articles and have come across a new book that is on my must read list.   To sum up the themes around these articles would be to say that the assumptions on dating and marriage are still falling within views that are outdated or have fallacies that range from being uneducated or even stereotyping.  In one of the articles,  the author of the book was quoted with the following "All of this conjecture about the failure rates of marriage is based on the assumption that all black women want to get married. There is so much talk about how it is impacting their lives but no one puts anything into studying what they actually want/need/feel."
 I thought this was a huge observation.  Making assumptions based on statistics and assumptions about them takes out the very human factor of feelings, desires and even basic needs.  And because some of those needs have changed, so have our thoughts about what relationships should and shouldn't be. 

Website Reviews

Yes, I spend a LOT of time reading blogs.  Some are better than others.  Some I choose to share for various reasons.  Here's a couple to check out:

It's funny, insightful and clever while remaining approachable.  It could be that he looks like a friend of mine? But seriously, Nando offers some spicy dish on dating, life, relationships and even some grooming advice, and yes, he has a book too.

Anatomy of a Pilot is the brainchild of a very good friend of mine, Kristina Meek.  What does this have to do with dating and relationships?  Nothing.  But it's a very good example of a blog with a niche and resourceful to those looking for insights into the formula and story that goes into writing a tv pilot.  And could save you some time in actually watching one, discovering that you really don't like it.  So in essence, you may not have to waste your time watching one of these shows and spend more time, perhaps, dating or doing something else.

Maneaters Blog sounds fierce, right?  It sounds like a ball-busting, man-hating, angry bunch of women who want nothing more than to chew men up and spit them back out or, well, hmm.  But there is more to this blog than an angry rant against men who have 'done you wrong'.  It's oriented towards women who want to stop "playing the victim and owning their love life."  Angela Jordan writes on topics such as learning to love yourself first, practicing some self honesty while mixing it up with some other how-to's on sex and dating and some of her own experiences. 

Observations from the other side

So I had the experience last night of being the bride at the bridal shower.

Yes, I'm getting married.   But let me just clarify one thing for you:  If I would have married the significant relationships in my life I would be married and divorced three times already.  Something (divine intervention, a logical and orderly universe) prevented that from happening.  

Which leads me to my next observation.  As I walked through the casino where we met last night (no, not Vegas but closer to home) I got a lot of congratulations but more significant was the girl behind the counter.  She said "Congratulations, I hope it works out, I've been married and divorced two times."  Ummm.....shocked was I.  Stunned.  If she was over thirty, I'd be surprised.  But mostly, I felt bad for her.  Bad because really, her anger just spewed out all over.  Yeah, I could be offended for me, but really this leads to the bigger issue that I find in doing interviews for this project, what is holding people back.  The baggage is usually an emotional hangup from some other relationship.

  A few years back I remember 'This Guy' made some inklings that he may want to be more than friends.  I can't say enough nice things about This Guy.  This Guy was charming, boyishly handsome, talented, spiritually connected and yes, I would have liked to have been WAY more friends with This Guy.  We went out in group encounters.  We ran in similar circles.  And while This Guy wanted so much to take this to a new level, This Guy ran into my BITTER HATE MACHINE.  The BITTER HATE MACHINE that was running behind my cheery disposition and smile, behind my great-looking in jeans, behind my cutest girl in the waitstaff, behind my great behind.  The BITTER HATE MACHINE was the undercurrent from my last relationship.  It came out in small edges in my responses about life.  It came out when someone was trying to flirt with me.  It came out in my guarded retorts.  The BITTER HATE MACHINE became totally evident to me while in conversation with This Guy in the fact that I couldn't respond to someone's earnest desire to get to know me better because I was edged with barbed wire responses and desperation.  These two combinations are so totally painful and deadly to someone trying to date.  It's that moment that I realized that in someone's earnest trying to get to know me was my response emotionally, desperate to make something happen in order to fill a void in myself left by the last relationship.  I can't tell you the exact details of the conversation but it was like "What are you up to" icebreaker question "Oh, I have to work, work really sucks, my life really sucks right now, I'm so tired I've been up all night" things that are better left telling a therapist than someone you perhaps want to go to a movie with so that you've done something other than work.  I didn't realize what happened until after the conversation.  I was a complete drag.  And yet, I wanted this person to be interested in me so I could fulfill that hole that relationship prior had left.  The hole left was mine to fill.  I needed to be happy with me, not because I had x, y, z, or This Guy was in my life or not.  And such is the trap of dating and relationships. He stopped calling.  I called him once to wish him some happy holiday thing.  And he thanked me and said it was nice to talk to me but he was in the middle of something with friends.  Polite, kind, nothing less than a gentleman.  He could have just not picked up the phone, but he didn't, he answered and spoke to me.  I ran into him in social circles often.  He was nothing less of nice.  And we are still friendly and kind to each other to this day. 

What I ended up doing after This Guy's encounter was crying.  A lot.  Realizing that I was angry and bitter and had to change that, I started looking towards filling that void with something else.  And while it took me another relationship with whom I called "the one" only to have that smashed into my face to finally get to the place of putting me as the most important person first, I will never forget This Guy and the valuable lesson he taught me.  Sometimes, people just want to get to know you and don't have malicious intent.  They're looking for things like you're looking for things.  They've probably had failed relationships too that left them bitter and angry.  Sometimes they've overcome that.  And sometimes they haven't.  Just because someone steps into the circle and then decides that it's not what they're looking for, yes it's rejection, but if we can allow ourselves to say no then we can allow others to say no.  Sometimes no is not now.  And sometimes no is just no.  

So to the girl at the casino counter:  I see your hurt.  I see your pain.  I've been there.  Two failed marriages don't make you who you are.  You do.  Someone is going to say yes to you.  You've had the experiences of no.  No is a good place to be.  And because you've had the experience of yes and then no, you have some things to look out for for the next time.  Be grateful.  They're giving you you back. 

"Older" Daters

So this is an interesting site that I've come across.  I'm wondering what people's experiences are like.  Especially since this video starts off good with a couple who looks around the same age enjoying each other's company.  But then the next couple is a little more stereotypical or unfortunately typical as he looks significantly older than she does and the picture of them on the website does as well.  Any thoughts?

Moments of Inspiration - Find God's Match for You

I just love this commercial for so many reasons but this quote is one of them:
"Sometimes we wait for God to make the next move and when God is saying 'it's your turn to act'. "
It's not that I'm mocking Christianity, nor people that follow that religion, but it's marketing, very good and clever marketing. 

I would love to hear from anyone who has subscribed to these sites and see what their experiences have been. 

The Old Script

So I thought I'd describe what the old project looks like.  If anyone is interested in seeing it, please email me and I'd be happy to send it to you.  There are 10 characters in this piece, reason number one to revise.  The stage is set with seven small cafe tables.  There are five women and three men in this piece.  The characters or interviewees were based on the interviews that were taken.  Lights up on our  our characters.  Tabitha, the Janine-Garafalo type gal, an RN with a pack a day habit, comes off tough bur her revelations gives us a softer and often painful insight into her toughness.  Irene is a type A lesbian who is looking for love in all the wrong personality traits, including hers.  Jennifer is a naive sweet thing, with a good heart and bad ideas.  Briana is your night-club hoping thirty something that needs to figure herself out before she ventures any further.  Sally rounds out the girls, no longer a girl herself but approaching her later adult years with a insiders knowledge of "professional dating."  Ken, a sort of Dwight Shrute without the arrogance, is not so bright of a bulb in the relationship department.  Joe is the married subject, wilder days behind him but with that wisdom he knows how to be a good husband and father.  And then we come to Andrew, the Stage Managerish presence that oversees the whole thing and guides the story along.  They all know they're being interviewed.  They all know what the subject is.  And what they reveal is telling, funny, poignant and sometimes just uncomfortable.  There are a male and female character that emerge and do some re-telling of stories.  And it's just way to long.  And way too difficult to stage, although I have already done it.  If you're interesting in reading it, hit me up. :)

Question: What would you do differently if you knew what you know now?

 Some of this blog is going to be answers from interviewers.  So I thought I'd post this one:

"Knowing what I know now, I would have been braver.  I look around and see a cute guy and I think "I could have dated him, I would have flirted with him right here in the line, right here in the coffee shop, I would have gotten his number and been brave enough to meet him for a date."  I would have gotten more numbers.   I would have gone on more online dates.  I would have gone to the gym and flirted with the personal trainers.   I would have not been so attached to whether or not the date went well, whether he ever called or if I ever saw him again.  I would have been playing the field more, yes, I would date multiple at a time and let them all know they weren't exclusive and if they wanted me exclusively, well, it would have to be worth my while.  Not that they weren't but I would have had way more fun in my single-hood.   Whatever.  I don't know why I was so afraid.   I don't know what I was so afraid of.  Rejection, well, yes, but rejection doesn't mean that you aren't worthy or aren't attractive it just means that the person that you are interested in isn't interested in you and those are their reasons and they have nothing really to do with you.  Attraction is an evolution of a person.  What I was attracted to when I was a teenager, a twenty-something, totally different today.  I guess I am more curious about people today and willing to dive a little deeper into seeing who I'm really talking to beyond what they look like on the outside.   That saying about "beauty is only skin-deep" is not just talking about character but really that elusive youth that we try to contain and keep but time removes and strips away.    The person you hope to be involved with, that person who you think is so sexy, what are they going to look like in forty years.  And better yet, what are you going to look like then?  It is character that remains sexy, vibrant, lovable and keeps me coming back for more.  The ability to make me laugh.  The ability to hold space and caring for another person.  The ability to be a true friend.  What they think and what they choose to do with their time.  Their creative brain.  Character is sexy.  Character is everything.  You're going to have an old man across the table from you one day, hands wrinkled, skin weathered, bad teeth, broken knees.  What are you going to talk about?  The adventures you had together or the fact that the teeth are bad, and botox didn't ever really help?  Yeah, I would have been more slutty.  I would have played the field and not even thought twice about it.  Not in a hurtful way but in an inquisitive, exploration of this life and who we're on this journey with.  And who I am, not defined by my fears, but my experiences."