The Single Woman

Here's another one I found, got to following on Twitter.  Mandy Hale is the author.  Her posts are mostly uplifting and her blogs are a little Sex in the City-ish and little self help.  In fact, she's been called the Carrie Bradshaw of Music City (Nashville).   Her advice column appears in the Nashville Examiner.   And for my research purposes, I'm going to try and pursue an interview with her for many reasons.  First, she's in a different part of the country, literally the 'country' music capital of the world.  Her take and experience deals with a demographic of men that I'm assuming is a lot different from southern California.  Secondly, she's at a particular age where I find a lot of women start to freak out, really freak out.  Or end the relationship they're in for search of something different and hopefully better.  Check out one of her stories here. 

Observations from the other side

So I had the experience last night of being the bride at the bridal shower.

Yes, I'm getting married.   But let me just clarify one thing for you:  If I would have married the significant relationships in my life I would be married and divorced three times already.  Something (divine intervention, a logical and orderly universe) prevented that from happening.  

Which leads me to my next observation.  As I walked through the casino where we met last night (no, not Vegas but closer to home) I got a lot of congratulations but more significant was the girl behind the counter.  She said "Congratulations, I hope it works out, I've been married and divorced two times."  Ummm.....shocked was I.  Stunned.  If she was over thirty, I'd be surprised.  But mostly, I felt bad for her.  Bad because really, her anger just spewed out all over.  Yeah, I could be offended for me, but really this leads to the bigger issue that I find in doing interviews for this project, what is holding people back.  The baggage is usually an emotional hangup from some other relationship.

  A few years back I remember 'This Guy' made some inklings that he may want to be more than friends.  I can't say enough nice things about This Guy.  This Guy was charming, boyishly handsome, talented, spiritually connected and yes, I would have liked to have been WAY more friends with This Guy.  We went out in group encounters.  We ran in similar circles.  And while This Guy wanted so much to take this to a new level, This Guy ran into my BITTER HATE MACHINE.  The BITTER HATE MACHINE that was running behind my cheery disposition and smile, behind my great-looking in jeans, behind my cutest girl in the waitstaff, behind my great behind.  The BITTER HATE MACHINE was the undercurrent from my last relationship.  It came out in small edges in my responses about life.  It came out when someone was trying to flirt with me.  It came out in my guarded retorts.  The BITTER HATE MACHINE became totally evident to me while in conversation with This Guy in the fact that I couldn't respond to someone's earnest desire to get to know me better because I was edged with barbed wire responses and desperation.  These two combinations are so totally painful and deadly to someone trying to date.  It's that moment that I realized that in someone's earnest trying to get to know me was my response emotionally, desperate to make something happen in order to fill a void in myself left by the last relationship.  I can't tell you the exact details of the conversation but it was like "What are you up to" icebreaker question "Oh, I have to work, work really sucks, my life really sucks right now, I'm so tired I've been up all night" things that are better left telling a therapist than someone you perhaps want to go to a movie with so that you've done something other than work.  I didn't realize what happened until after the conversation.  I was a complete drag.  And yet, I wanted this person to be interested in me so I could fulfill that hole that relationship prior had left.  The hole left was mine to fill.  I needed to be happy with me, not because I had x, y, z, or This Guy was in my life or not.  And such is the trap of dating and relationships. He stopped calling.  I called him once to wish him some happy holiday thing.  And he thanked me and said it was nice to talk to me but he was in the middle of something with friends.  Polite, kind, nothing less than a gentleman.  He could have just not picked up the phone, but he didn't, he answered and spoke to me.  I ran into him in social circles often.  He was nothing less of nice.  And we are still friendly and kind to each other to this day. 

What I ended up doing after This Guy's encounter was crying.  A lot.  Realizing that I was angry and bitter and had to change that, I started looking towards filling that void with something else.  And while it took me another relationship with whom I called "the one" only to have that smashed into my face to finally get to the place of putting me as the most important person first, I will never forget This Guy and the valuable lesson he taught me.  Sometimes, people just want to get to know you and don't have malicious intent.  They're looking for things like you're looking for things.  They've probably had failed relationships too that left them bitter and angry.  Sometimes they've overcome that.  And sometimes they haven't.  Just because someone steps into the circle and then decides that it's not what they're looking for, yes it's rejection, but if we can allow ourselves to say no then we can allow others to say no.  Sometimes no is not now.  And sometimes no is just no.  

So to the girl at the casino counter:  I see your hurt.  I see your pain.  I've been there.  Two failed marriages don't make you who you are.  You do.  Someone is going to say yes to you.  You've had the experiences of no.  No is a good place to be.  And because you've had the experience of yes and then no, you have some things to look out for for the next time.  Be grateful.  They're giving you you back. 

Question: What would you do differently if you knew what you know now?

 Some of this blog is going to be answers from interviewers.  So I thought I'd post this one:

"Knowing what I know now, I would have been braver.  I look around and see a cute guy and I think "I could have dated him, I would have flirted with him right here in the line, right here in the coffee shop, I would have gotten his number and been brave enough to meet him for a date."  I would have gotten more numbers.   I would have gone on more online dates.  I would have gone to the gym and flirted with the personal trainers.   I would have not been so attached to whether or not the date went well, whether he ever called or if I ever saw him again.  I would have been playing the field more, yes, I would date multiple at a time and let them all know they weren't exclusive and if they wanted me exclusively, well, it would have to be worth my while.  Not that they weren't but I would have had way more fun in my single-hood.   Whatever.  I don't know why I was so afraid.   I don't know what I was so afraid of.  Rejection, well, yes, but rejection doesn't mean that you aren't worthy or aren't attractive it just means that the person that you are interested in isn't interested in you and those are their reasons and they have nothing really to do with you.  Attraction is an evolution of a person.  What I was attracted to when I was a teenager, a twenty-something, totally different today.  I guess I am more curious about people today and willing to dive a little deeper into seeing who I'm really talking to beyond what they look like on the outside.   That saying about "beauty is only skin-deep" is not just talking about character but really that elusive youth that we try to contain and keep but time removes and strips away.    The person you hope to be involved with, that person who you think is so sexy, what are they going to look like in forty years.  And better yet, what are you going to look like then?  It is character that remains sexy, vibrant, lovable and keeps me coming back for more.  The ability to make me laugh.  The ability to hold space and caring for another person.  The ability to be a true friend.  What they think and what they choose to do with their time.  Their creative brain.  Character is sexy.  Character is everything.  You're going to have an old man across the table from you one day, hands wrinkled, skin weathered, bad teeth, broken knees.  What are you going to talk about?  The adventures you had together or the fact that the teeth are bad, and botox didn't ever really help?  Yeah, I would have been more slutty.  I would have played the field and not even thought twice about it.  Not in a hurtful way but in an inquisitive, exploration of this life and who we're on this journey with.  And who I am, not defined by my fears, but my experiences."

Questions

Here are some of the questions that most people ask about this project:

* Are you going to use my stories in your play?  Maybe, if they're really interesting and fit within the story I'm creating.  However, there are a number of websites, novels, shows dedicated to the subject of dating stories so unless the story is really interesting, maybe not?

* What are you using and why?  It's more about the experience of meeting people and hearing what they have to say that will contribute to the creation of this piece.  I'm taking the pulse of what's going on in this moment and seeing what people are saying, more than retelling of stories.

* Where could I see this play?  This play will have a public reading in San Diego and will be broadcast on the web.  If you participate in the project, you are invited to the first reading!