I've mentioned that I am doing a lot of research, reading blogs, interviewing daters, interviewing relationship coaches. So if there is something that you come across and think it's relevant, please send it my way. But a huge part of this is coming from an inner creative spark, from a place of feeling rather than intellectualizing.
I recently found a few articles and have come across a new book that is on my must read list. To sum up the themes around these articles would be to say that the assumptions on dating and marriage are still falling within views that are outdated or have fallacies that range from being uneducated or even stereotyping. In one of the articles, the author of the book was quoted with the following "All of this conjecture about the failure rates of marriage is based on the assumption that all black women want to get married. There is so much talk about how it is impacting their lives but no one puts anything into studying what they actually want/need/feel."
I thought this was a huge observation. Making assumptions based on statistics and assumptions about them takes out the very human factor of feelings, desires and even basic needs. And because some of those needs have changed, so have our thoughts about what relationships should and shouldn't be.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
Why this, Why now?
I'm in the middle of a process at the moment which could lead greater things (i.e. really having more time to dedicate to this project) and the above question was asked. Beyond my answers of how interesting coupling and relationships and how it appears that about half of all marriages are ending in divorce, I have been getting back to that original yes that I said to this project in May.
In May, I was about ready to get married for the first time. I had been through the audition and callback process for a few shows and realized that I was no longer in a position to accept a role and that I needed to do something else. And the old show and it's process still nagged at me. Here I was, two different full length plays written, they just needed some rewrites and to be sent out again. And yet, this particular story and subject didn't feel done. When I went through the play, realized that it was not only outdated but it's style didn't resonate with me as it once did, I wanted to do more research and see where it took me.
Beyond that call to revisit the old play came a flurry of feelings about the subject. Dating. Here I was, about to get married and yet all of my experiences up to that point didn't fit into the typical dating model. Not a lot of my experiences fit into any models for that matter. And that's what really drives me to write about this. I can remember when the original show was being done, I was dating someone at the time who I thought was "the one" and what ended up happening in my life during that time was one of those earthquake moments. Here I was, living the American dream, pursuing my dreams and thinking I was aligning myself with what the universe was offering, only to have it all smashed into my face. And that's why this subject, in fact, most of my writing stems around the idea that we try to fit into models that society gives us and yet they don't work for us.
I think about people who are dating right now. And what models they're being shown (just look at TV reality shows about dating). Isn't it 'blame the dater?' That's why you're still single, you didn't do x, y, z and that's why you ended up ALONE. Doesn't that suck? I recently completed an interview with a woman who is a relationship coach. I asked her what stands in the way of most of her clients in terms of dating and relationships. She said that 99 percent of her clients think that men only want women who are perfect. They believe in the media's representation of women and beauty and think that's what men want and they don't measure up so they can't possibly meet someone. She also said that the men respondents aren't looking for perfect, they're looking for confidence. She said that part of her process is to get women to put themselves first and realize that the men aren't looking for perfection. In fact, that men like women because of their imperfections.
So why this, why now? Because deep in my being, I was being called to look at and talk about life in a way that goes against what is perpetuated as being truth. The truth is, we're all looking for love. And we don't need plastic surgery to get it. That our definitions are being molded by media and advertising that has nothing to do with anything in reality. And it's something we need to talk about. Or we keep perpetuating these ideas.
In May, I was about ready to get married for the first time. I had been through the audition and callback process for a few shows and realized that I was no longer in a position to accept a role and that I needed to do something else. And the old show and it's process still nagged at me. Here I was, two different full length plays written, they just needed some rewrites and to be sent out again. And yet, this particular story and subject didn't feel done. When I went through the play, realized that it was not only outdated but it's style didn't resonate with me as it once did, I wanted to do more research and see where it took me.
Beyond that call to revisit the old play came a flurry of feelings about the subject. Dating. Here I was, about to get married and yet all of my experiences up to that point didn't fit into the typical dating model. Not a lot of my experiences fit into any models for that matter. And that's what really drives me to write about this. I can remember when the original show was being done, I was dating someone at the time who I thought was "the one" and what ended up happening in my life during that time was one of those earthquake moments. Here I was, living the American dream, pursuing my dreams and thinking I was aligning myself with what the universe was offering, only to have it all smashed into my face. And that's why this subject, in fact, most of my writing stems around the idea that we try to fit into models that society gives us and yet they don't work for us.
I think about people who are dating right now. And what models they're being shown (just look at TV reality shows about dating). Isn't it 'blame the dater?' That's why you're still single, you didn't do x, y, z and that's why you ended up ALONE. Doesn't that suck? I recently completed an interview with a woman who is a relationship coach. I asked her what stands in the way of most of her clients in terms of dating and relationships. She said that 99 percent of her clients think that men only want women who are perfect. They believe in the media's representation of women and beauty and think that's what men want and they don't measure up so they can't possibly meet someone. She also said that the men respondents aren't looking for perfect, they're looking for confidence. She said that part of her process is to get women to put themselves first and realize that the men aren't looking for perfection. In fact, that men like women because of their imperfections.
So why this, why now? Because deep in my being, I was being called to look at and talk about life in a way that goes against what is perpetuated as being truth. The truth is, we're all looking for love. And we don't need plastic surgery to get it. That our definitions are being molded by media and advertising that has nothing to do with anything in reality. And it's something we need to talk about. Or we keep perpetuating these ideas.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Website Reviews
Yes, I spend a LOT of time reading blogs. Some are better than others. Some I choose to share for various reasons. Here's a couple to check out:
It's funny, insightful and clever while remaining approachable. It could be that he looks like a friend of mine? But seriously, Nando offers some spicy dish on dating, life, relationships and even some grooming advice, and yes, he has a book too.
Anatomy of a Pilot is the brainchild of a very good friend of mine, Kristina Meek. What does this have to do with dating and relationships? Nothing. But it's a very good example of a blog with a niche and resourceful to those looking for insights into the formula and story that goes into writing a tv pilot. And could save you some time in actually watching one, discovering that you really don't like it. So in essence, you may not have to waste your time watching one of these shows and spend more time, perhaps, dating or doing something else.
Maneaters Blog sounds fierce, right? It sounds like a ball-busting, man-hating, angry bunch of women who want nothing more than to chew men up and spit them back out or, well, hmm. But there is more to this blog than an angry rant against men who have 'done you wrong'. It's oriented towards women who want to stop "playing the victim and owning their love life." Angela Jordan writes on topics such as learning to love yourself first, practicing some self honesty while mixing it up with some other how-to's on sex and dating and some of her own experiences.
Anatomy of a Pilot is the brainchild of a very good friend of mine, Kristina Meek. What does this have to do with dating and relationships? Nothing. But it's a very good example of a blog with a niche and resourceful to those looking for insights into the formula and story that goes into writing a tv pilot. And could save you some time in actually watching one, discovering that you really don't like it. So in essence, you may not have to waste your time watching one of these shows and spend more time, perhaps, dating or doing something else.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Not that this is turning into an advice column
But I thought I'd share, not sure who the author is but really funny:
20 Clues a Woman Should Call it a Night
1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.
2. I believe that dancing with my arms over head and my butt wiggling while yelling "Woo-Hoo" is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe I could do it too.
4. In my last trip to "pee" I realize I now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.
5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. hoagie on the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm not at all hungry), pick it up, and carry on eating it.
6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo much.
7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.
8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the creepy guy sitting next to me.
9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.
12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just soda, but that's just because I can no longer taste the vodka.
14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.
15. I start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's up when I sit on it.
17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing) and take a quick nap.
19. I begin leaving the button's open on my button fly pants to cut down on the time I'm in the washroom away from my drink.
20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm having problems walking straight
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