The Holiday Hookup

Photo: chicago.metromix.com

Had to take a break from doing much blogging or researching for that matter, although I did do some posts on my other blog about shopping local.  But mostly, nothing that interesting has come up, except for this little snippet about being single and surviving the Holidays (beware, it's from Match.com).  But it offers some real clear steps to avoid what could be termed as "The Holiday Hook-up."  I have been in those shoes, trying them on, two sizes too small and remarkably a spring shoe and it's snowing outside.  This isn't just the date from hell, it's the date from hell with sleigh-bells and you're grimacing along for the cold, painful ride.  Your co-workers are wondering if they should trust you do to the job that you were hired for, your friends are hoping that this person never shows up at a future event or how they're going to dis-invite you, and you are painfully smiling at the jokes that were not only inappropriate but physically revolt you.  And the answers are almost always the same of why this experience happened, i.e. I was lonely, he/she seemed nice, I needed a date for the Christmas party, I didn't want to show up alone.  While these stories make for great fodder, they almost always leave a bad taste, like that Holiday cookie that looked tempting and yet tasted like a stale cracker from your emergency supply kit that expired ten years ago.  In all, a bad idea that leaves you with more than just a few holiday pounds to shed.  Do you have one of these such stories?  What happened at that office Christmas party with that date?  Did you take them to a family gathering?  Hit me up and tell me about it either email or comment below.  And most of all, I wish you all a Happy Holiday, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Solstice, Joyous Kwanza, and a joyous New Year.

Self-esteem and dating

A long ago I heard a quote that if you want self-esteem do esteemable things.  And while I don't speak for everyone out there, sometimes there are still roadblocks in the way of that.  Sometimes you have little patterns of thoughts that run in the background of your brain that are useless, yet continue to run.  In yogic philosophy they call these Samskaras.   On a simple level, they are how your brain learns.  But if they were learned in an unpleasant experience, they can run your life.  I'll use the example of the bad relationship, the one where the other person cheated and they gave some excuse.  It can be a completely invalid excuse like "you were unavailable so I found someone who was" or "I was lonely."  Or it could be something more personal "you were frigid" or "I found this person more attractive."  And those little things can chip away at self-esteem.   But they can also create what Eckart Tolle refers to as a "pain body" or a tone that we carry and react to others according to what experiences we had in the past. 
Having had the experiences of infidelity, breaking up and leaving under my own belt, I can tell you that there were periods of time where I felt less than adequate in the relationship department.  For two years I stayed single, not because I didn't want a relationship, but I was so angry at the last relationship it was impossible to get beyond my "pain body" to a real place of experiencing another human being for who they are.
Self-esteem not only affects how we deal with the world around us, but also the way we treat ourselves.  If we don't feel good enough, how can we expect others to treat us with dignity, respect and love?  If we don't love ourselves how is anyone else going to love us back?  In my adventures in all things online I came across this Short Sale of the Heart and it speaks to that place of being loving to yourself.  Enjoy.   

More Love

Bandits is one of my very favorite movies.  It has crime, drama, comedy and one of the best endings of all time.  If you haven't seen it, please stop reading this and go and watch it because I'm about to tell you the ending.  Why is it so great?  Because the girl, ends up with the guys.  Not the guy.  But guys.  She doesn't choose one, she chooses both.  Brilliant.  Loved it.  

Which leads me to this topic of polyamory.  Just to clarify, I'm using the term polyamory, which is defined as the desire to have multiple intimate relationships with the consent and knowledge of all involved.  Most of the time, people think of the sect of Mormans where a man marries multiple wives as shown in such shows like Big Love and Sister Wives.   I've been watching Sister Wives for a while and what I can say about the women on the show is that they all are very vocal about this life being a choice that they made.  They each have their own relationship with their common husband, they all appear to love each other and their children appear to be very loved and very happy.  Yet, this is an example of where a man can have multiple wives or relationships (as only one of wives is legally married to the man.) but not vice versa.  But there are other examples of this, more recently explored on Anderson Cooper's new daytime show where he invited three guests, two men and one woman who are in a polyamorous relationship, live together, raising the son that two of them conceived.    The two men are not involved with each other, only the woman is involved with both of them.   A lot was discussed, from shared parenting to dating outside the current relationship triangle and comments from the audience were mostly oppositional.  You can watch the episode online but Anderson Cooper's final comment really told the story "Clearly, there is a lot of love here."  And while the therapist on this show emphasized that jealousy is a particularly difficult problem for these relationships, this applies to all relationships.  One of the other claims is that these relationships often don't go as deep or intimate emotionally, and yet from both examples (Sister Wives and the Poly-couples) they would argue differently.  

I'm hoping to interview some people who are currently dating and identify as polyamorous as this is a great example of dating and relationships outside of the box. 

Want, Feel and Need

I've mentioned that I am doing a lot of research, reading blogs, interviewing daters, interviewing relationship coaches.  So if there is something that you come across and think it's relevant, please send it my way.   But a huge part of this is coming from an inner creative spark, from a place of feeling rather than intellectualizing. 
I recently found a few articles and have come across a new book that is on my must read list.   To sum up the themes around these articles would be to say that the assumptions on dating and marriage are still falling within views that are outdated or have fallacies that range from being uneducated or even stereotyping.  In one of the articles,  the author of the book was quoted with the following "All of this conjecture about the failure rates of marriage is based on the assumption that all black women want to get married. There is so much talk about how it is impacting their lives but no one puts anything into studying what they actually want/need/feel."
 I thought this was a huge observation.  Making assumptions based on statistics and assumptions about them takes out the very human factor of feelings, desires and even basic needs.  And because some of those needs have changed, so have our thoughts about what relationships should and shouldn't be. 

Why this, Why now?

I'm in the middle of a process at the moment which could lead greater things (i.e. really having more time to dedicate to this project) and the above question was asked.  Beyond my answers of how interesting coupling and relationships and how it appears that about half of all marriages are ending in divorce, I have been getting back to that original yes that I said to this project in May. 
In May, I was about ready to get married for the first time.  I had been through the audition and callback process for a few shows and realized that I was no longer in a position to accept a role and that I needed to do something else.  And the old show and it's process still nagged at me.   Here I was, two different full length plays written, they just needed some rewrites and to be sent out again.  And yet, this particular story and subject didn't feel done.  When I went through the play, realized that it was not only outdated but it's style didn't resonate with me as it once did, I wanted to do more research and see where it took me. 
Beyond that call to revisit the old play came a flurry of feelings about the subject.  Dating.  Here I was, about to get married and yet all of my experiences up to that point didn't fit into the typical dating model.  Not a lot of my experiences fit into any models for that matter.  And that's what really drives me to write about this.  I can remember when the original show was being done, I was dating someone at the time who I thought was "the one" and what ended up happening in my life during that time was one of those earthquake moments.  Here I was, living the American dream, pursuing my dreams and thinking I was aligning myself with what the universe was offering, only to have it all smashed into my face.  And that's why this subject, in fact, most of my writing stems around the idea that we try to fit into models that society gives us and yet they don't work for us. 
I think about people who are dating right now.  And what models they're being shown (just look at TV reality shows about dating).  Isn't it 'blame the dater?'  That's why you're still single, you didn't do x, y, z and that's why you ended up ALONE.  Doesn't that suck?  I recently completed an interview with a woman who is a relationship coach.  I asked her what stands in the way of most of her clients in terms of dating and relationships.  She said that 99 percent of her clients think that men only want women who are perfect.  They believe in the media's representation of women and beauty and think that's what men want and they don't measure up so they can't possibly meet someone.   She also said that the men respondents aren't looking for perfect, they're looking for confidence.   She said that part of her process is to get women to put themselves first and realize that the men aren't looking for perfection.  In fact, that men like women because of their imperfections.
So why this, why now?  Because deep in my being, I was being called to look at and talk about life in a way that goes against what is perpetuated as being truth.   The truth is, we're all looking for love.  And we don't need plastic surgery to get it.   That our definitions are being molded by media and advertising that has nothing to do with anything in reality.  And it's something we need to talk about.  Or we keep perpetuating these ideas. 

Website Reviews

Yes, I spend a LOT of time reading blogs.  Some are better than others.  Some I choose to share for various reasons.  Here's a couple to check out:

It's funny, insightful and clever while remaining approachable.  It could be that he looks like a friend of mine? But seriously, Nando offers some spicy dish on dating, life, relationships and even some grooming advice, and yes, he has a book too.

Anatomy of a Pilot is the brainchild of a very good friend of mine, Kristina Meek.  What does this have to do with dating and relationships?  Nothing.  But it's a very good example of a blog with a niche and resourceful to those looking for insights into the formula and story that goes into writing a tv pilot.  And could save you some time in actually watching one, discovering that you really don't like it.  So in essence, you may not have to waste your time watching one of these shows and spend more time, perhaps, dating or doing something else.

Maneaters Blog sounds fierce, right?  It sounds like a ball-busting, man-hating, angry bunch of women who want nothing more than to chew men up and spit them back out or, well, hmm.  But there is more to this blog than an angry rant against men who have 'done you wrong'.  It's oriented towards women who want to stop "playing the victim and owning their love life."  Angela Jordan writes on topics such as learning to love yourself first, practicing some self honesty while mixing it up with some other how-to's on sex and dating and some of her own experiences. 

Not that this is turning into an advice column

But I thought I'd share, not sure who the author is but really funny:

20 Clues a Woman Should Call it a Night

1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.

2. I believe that dancing with my arms over head and my butt wiggling while yelling "Woo-Hoo" is truly the sexiest dance move around.

3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe I could do it too.

4. In my last trip to "pee" I realize I now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.

5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. hoagie on the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm not at all hungry), pick it up, and carry on eating it.

6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo much.

7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.

8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the creepy guy sitting next to me.

9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.

10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.

11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.

12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.

13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just soda, but that's just because I can no longer taste the vodka.

14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.

15. I start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."

16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's up when I sit on it.

17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.

18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing) and take a quick nap.

19. I begin leaving the button's open on my button fly pants to cut down on the time I'm in the washroom away from my drink.

20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm having problems walking straight

The Blogspot

Most of the research I do is online.  The digital age has given the world opportunities we didn't have before and some opportunities that shouldn't be taken.  This week I ran across a story where a blogger decided to post her thoughts about a online date and how that really came back to haunt her.   It left me thinking about how the digital age has created a virtual bathroom wall scrawling that anyone can see and no one can report the scribbler to the principle.  Or can they?  In this case, the backlash came in the form of actual story, which is a little ridiculous in some ways, this is news?  But how often do I hear stories about cyber-bullying, stalking and other horrifying ways that people treat each other that lead to violence and even death?  And while the exact nature of this blogger's post were questionable if not mean-spirited, does the internet provide us sounding boards of things that maybe we think and should never speak or ways to demean and humiliate people in a very public way in order to gain some sort of narcissistic attention?  Or all of the above?   People have blogs for many reasons.  I have two, one for this project and another for my personal writing.  Why?  Because I like attention?  Yes.  And because I like having an outlet for my writing and thoughts.  Mostly I'm looking for connection.  It's a way of self-publishing.  So when writing a blog or posting on Facebook or a board and it's mean, what are people looking for?  An outlet for their rage?  For people to think they're funny?  But when it's at someone's expense, is it still funny?  Or is it just mean?  And if you're dating, are you blogging about dating because you're looking for connection or something that others can relate to?  Or are you looking to humiliate someone else?  Someone who rubs your 'blogspot' the right or wrong way may not take too kindly to appearing in cyberspace as fodder for the masses.  Then again, neither may the masses.

So far so good

Completed a few interviews so far, mostly in person but have figured out most of Skype.  What I can say so far in this experience is much like internet dating.  You communicate via various web modalities, you send pictures, you agree on meeting at a public place and the 'date' begins.   The awkward starts of who are you and what do you do, what are you looking for, what sites are you on, those questions continue to be the ice breakers and then eventually it's more of a conversation and questions arise as we go along.     I will say that of the people I'm meeting in person, we've tended to have a longer conversation than my thirty minute rule.  Of course, if the conversation didn't go so well it probably wouldn't last thirty minutes anyway.  This week I'll be putting the shout out on Twitter for some of my online connections and see what happens there.  Onward!

Questionable Profiles

So part of this project is me subjecting myself to the many things that daters are doing in order to find that special someone.   So I'm cruising some various online websites and putting in my stats, female looking for man between ages of 38 and 49.  Here's just a few that unfortunately weren't hard to find:

Male, 41, separated, reads the 'bibl' and can't seem to spell many words

Male, 49, divorced, picture looks like a mug shot for a serial killer, 'ultra-conservative' but loves to watch soap operas?

Male, 41, apparently shirtless torso photos aren't just for Grindr?
Male, 45, see above...
Male, 47, should hit him up if you're a freak....do I really need to post anymore?

But overall, there were over 1200 profiles that matched my stats on one site and most of them were good, meaning some decent profiles and they weren't asking for a miracle woman to come along.
Stay tuned, I'm still searching....

Website review - Date Like a Grown Up

In my looking up various search terms and seeing what comes up, I found Bobbi Palmer's website dedicated to women over 40.  Considering the fact that she married for the first time at the age of 47 and that her former corporate career involved team building and coaching, she just might have that life experience that can be shared for those who find themselves still dating in their 40's.  Yes, she's selling a book but doesn't everyone?  Her message is pretty positive and goes beyond just dating do's and dont's and more into self-inquiry and self-care. 
I'm traveling at the moment and will not attempt to blog or email as Mom's internet is dial-up (gasp!)

Got advice?

In the blogospere, everyone has advice to give.  Most dating sites even have their own advice column or forum on dating.  There are relationship coaches, dating coaches, online profile consultants and pretty much anything you think of that people have uncertainty about.  They cater to niche markets and some try to appeal to the masses.  Some are 'professionals' who have some letters beside their name and some qualify themselves as 'life experienced'.   And it can be quite profitable, think of "The Rules" or "He's just not that into you" and where that has taken those authors.  But a recent article on yahoo on how to go from the 'just friends' to relationship made me think of those times that I had gone down that road, and ended up in a ditch.   Don't get me wrong, I also ended up with a friend for life but after many flat tires, broken axles and some blown engines in the process.   While I don't intend for this blog to turn into an advice column at all, it's not the purpose, I had some 'counter-thoughts' to this little article I read.

Friendship is the first relationship outside of the parent, sibling, relative paradigm I experienced.   Probably the first thing I did with a non-related person was play.   Barbies, games at school, the first interaction was probably involved with some sort of play.  So there, we have something in common.  That's how it starts.  Much like dating.  So there's already a common area and feeling around this person.  Not hard for it to go somewhere else.   But here's the part that the article didn't really go into much.  What happens if they don't share the same feelings or desires as you do?  What happens then?

There were many times that if I would have thought things through and really took a look at what my actions were stemming from, I would have saved myself some headache and possibly saved a friendship. Is this "attraction" to my "friend" a hormonal thing (you're either incredibly attracted to them or you find yourself lonely and attracted to your friends?) or are you looking for the 'friends with benefits package?'  Most of the time, I was looking for something that this person couldn't or wouldn't provide.  What if the friend isn't interested?  I have had only ONE relationship with a friend who was interested in me and I did not share the feelings that we were able to remain friends afterwards.    Space, time and a commitment to staying friends was needed for this to happen.  What would it look like and how would I behave or really, how should I behave to this person if they reject me?  There are friends I have deeper friendships with and deeper trust than others.  Do I want to lose that to step into another arena?  Or can I take that into another arena at all?  This takes work, I know from deep personal experience, i.e. the relationship I'm currently in and the therapy it's taken to stay there.  It's willingness to take the risk of opening oneself up to new possibilities but being ready for what those entail, the car repair shop, and even retirement of the vehicle if it crashes. 

Website review - Sweet on Geeks

"Sweet on Geeks A Space Where Gray Matters" aptly describes the website designed for and catered to the geek looking for love.  At a low membership price ($5 a month take that Ewwharmony and Mismatched dot com) the site offers members options like joining groups of shared thought or interest (Buffy fans, The Klingon Empire) making this part social network part dating site.  Their newsletter touts various success stories including one couple who was married by a computer.  You can have friends, you can wink at people, now only if you could teleport to a date, that would make this site complete.

The Professionals

Last week I was having a much long overdue conversation with a good friend who is a retired writer for a big network about writing.  I am terribly honored and grateful to have this friend, who believes in me and my work.  We were discussing the former play and the subject turned to the oldest profession and his idea came in the form of a character for the play.  My response, 'her name is Sally.'
I like to call them "The Professionals."  Now, they vary in services and terminology, but ultimately, there is a form of dating going on and sometimes what they are looking for is a little less love and a little more tangible, economically.  When I did the interviews for the Dating Pool, one of our subjects was a former escort.  'Sally' was also a former dancer, in the non-ballerina kind of dancing but more pole persuasion.  And while she implied that she did not actually exchange money for more intimate aspects of her company, she would be a rare spot in that business.
So in her participation, we got some extra insight into the world of professional dating.  Which leads me to a great article that I just saw on The Good Men Project about the 'sugar-daddy syndrome.' A much more formalized approach to the pay to play world of escorts and more of an ongoing relationship.  Sugar Daddy & Sugar Baby Blog, Seeking Arrangement all getting some mainstream attention to this type of "dating".   Are these a more carved out explanation of arrangements for a relationship, including financial compensation, or is this the oldest profession in another disguise? 
It doesn't help me as a writer to offer judgements about people about "what they're doing."  Instead, I think that these are all a part of a very human experience in this life.   There are many reasons people do things.  It's better for me to put myself in someone else's shoes than offer reasons why in my morality, something is right or wrong.  I believe I come to a greater understanding of humanity that way.

Men, Men and More Men

Granted, I can't really post about all the blogs I'm finding and the twits I'm following but these were too hard not to mention.  First Guyliner, a gay dating blog in which one man's quest into the online dating world becomes the next blog post.  These stories are totally relatable, including this one, where if you've ever been a little scatter-brained and not paying attention to who you're talking to you just might end up on a date with the wrong person.  The other, a non dating site but needless to say an opportunity to increase your vocabulary, perhaps, with another f*cking word.  And last, The Good Men Project, which warms my heart to the very core and goes against all the stereotypes about what men think and talk about.   They're breaking all the codes of silence and talking about issues that men face from eating disorders to mental illness.  Thank you for making my time in the web today well spent.

Met Another Frog - website review and thoughts of all small/big towns

Found this website while cruising another blog.  Dating, sexual escapades and how-to's, oh my.  This online magazine even hosts events like the one just jumping across the pond for  online hotties to come and share their stuff and seduce most eligible bloggers with their words.   A way to get your words out and catch someone's attention beyond the screen. 
   As I do more research, especially here in San Diego, I'm finding nothing quite like this kind of event here.  I find a lot of "singles mixers" and a lot of "Meetups" with the singles in mind.   But aren't some of those "singles mixers" a lot like going to a bar and getting phone numbers?  Sure, they can edit them to make it a little swanky, a little more exclusive in terms of income or interests but truly, people can lie about those online as well as offline.   I'm also finding a lot of defunct blogs.  People who have jumped off the "dating experience blog" and ended their online rants.  Some for reasons of they have nothing more to say.  And some are trying to get their dating grove back and not hate being single.  In this quest to find love, I find the only suitable advice I would give is to just be kind to yourself. 

Red Flag 101 website review

There's a lot of dating sites, advice columns, out in the wacky wonderful web but here's one I found fun and entertaining.  The brain child of someone who was burnt to a crisp by a relationship, he offers a candid and detailed explanation of what went wrong and what he chose not to look at.   Someone close to me had an eerily similar experience in a relationship went wrong.  As most of the sites I've looked at have been run by or oriented to women, this site gives another side and sometimes surprising perspective. 

Evolution

This week was very productive in terms of planning and outlying.  First, locally, the plan is to start to host some singles mixers and events in the next coming months as some launching points.  Secondly, the possibilities keep emerging with the web and different opportunities that present themselves.  I don't want to get too carried away but OMG this is going to be so much fun!!!!

The Single Woman

Here's another one I found, got to following on Twitter.  Mandy Hale is the author.  Her posts are mostly uplifting and her blogs are a little Sex in the City-ish and little self help.  In fact, she's been called the Carrie Bradshaw of Music City (Nashville).   Her advice column appears in the Nashville Examiner.   And for my research purposes, I'm going to try and pursue an interview with her for many reasons.  First, she's in a different part of the country, literally the 'country' music capital of the world.  Her take and experience deals with a demographic of men that I'm assuming is a lot different from southern California.  Secondly, she's at a particular age where I find a lot of women start to freak out, really freak out.  Or end the relationship they're in for search of something different and hopefully better.  Check out one of her stories here. 

Here's what's funny

I checked out this website that had "dating stories from hell."  First of all, the stories were a bit unbelievable and secondly, they were also familiar.  Apparently swingers bring along another couple on a first date to check the new date out and it's not uncommon to be picked up by someone from work only to have them be a complete @ss.  FYI - already in the old script.  Hmmm....It's time for more interviews and research!

Featured Blog/Website: eekHarmony

So in doing research or rather, having friends point me in directions, I come across websites, bloggers, and overall fun things on the internet.  I'd like to introduce you eekHarmony.com, Deb Slater's response to all things dating.  You can find her on Facebook as well as some heavenly delicious pictures of, you guessed it, online profile pictures that many, many, many, men should have NEVER used.  Her site is full of her stories of her dating adventures and misadventures. Enjoy.

Observations from the other side

So I had the experience last night of being the bride at the bridal shower.

Yes, I'm getting married.   But let me just clarify one thing for you:  If I would have married the significant relationships in my life I would be married and divorced three times already.  Something (divine intervention, a logical and orderly universe) prevented that from happening.  

Which leads me to my next observation.  As I walked through the casino where we met last night (no, not Vegas but closer to home) I got a lot of congratulations but more significant was the girl behind the counter.  She said "Congratulations, I hope it works out, I've been married and divorced two times."  Ummm.....shocked was I.  Stunned.  If she was over thirty, I'd be surprised.  But mostly, I felt bad for her.  Bad because really, her anger just spewed out all over.  Yeah, I could be offended for me, but really this leads to the bigger issue that I find in doing interviews for this project, what is holding people back.  The baggage is usually an emotional hangup from some other relationship.

  A few years back I remember 'This Guy' made some inklings that he may want to be more than friends.  I can't say enough nice things about This Guy.  This Guy was charming, boyishly handsome, talented, spiritually connected and yes, I would have liked to have been WAY more friends with This Guy.  We went out in group encounters.  We ran in similar circles.  And while This Guy wanted so much to take this to a new level, This Guy ran into my BITTER HATE MACHINE.  The BITTER HATE MACHINE that was running behind my cheery disposition and smile, behind my great-looking in jeans, behind my cutest girl in the waitstaff, behind my great behind.  The BITTER HATE MACHINE was the undercurrent from my last relationship.  It came out in small edges in my responses about life.  It came out when someone was trying to flirt with me.  It came out in my guarded retorts.  The BITTER HATE MACHINE became totally evident to me while in conversation with This Guy in the fact that I couldn't respond to someone's earnest desire to get to know me better because I was edged with barbed wire responses and desperation.  These two combinations are so totally painful and deadly to someone trying to date.  It's that moment that I realized that in someone's earnest trying to get to know me was my response emotionally, desperate to make something happen in order to fill a void in myself left by the last relationship.  I can't tell you the exact details of the conversation but it was like "What are you up to" icebreaker question "Oh, I have to work, work really sucks, my life really sucks right now, I'm so tired I've been up all night" things that are better left telling a therapist than someone you perhaps want to go to a movie with so that you've done something other than work.  I didn't realize what happened until after the conversation.  I was a complete drag.  And yet, I wanted this person to be interested in me so I could fulfill that hole that relationship prior had left.  The hole left was mine to fill.  I needed to be happy with me, not because I had x, y, z, or This Guy was in my life or not.  And such is the trap of dating and relationships. He stopped calling.  I called him once to wish him some happy holiday thing.  And he thanked me and said it was nice to talk to me but he was in the middle of something with friends.  Polite, kind, nothing less than a gentleman.  He could have just not picked up the phone, but he didn't, he answered and spoke to me.  I ran into him in social circles often.  He was nothing less of nice.  And we are still friendly and kind to each other to this day. 

What I ended up doing after This Guy's encounter was crying.  A lot.  Realizing that I was angry and bitter and had to change that, I started looking towards filling that void with something else.  And while it took me another relationship with whom I called "the one" only to have that smashed into my face to finally get to the place of putting me as the most important person first, I will never forget This Guy and the valuable lesson he taught me.  Sometimes, people just want to get to know you and don't have malicious intent.  They're looking for things like you're looking for things.  They've probably had failed relationships too that left them bitter and angry.  Sometimes they've overcome that.  And sometimes they haven't.  Just because someone steps into the circle and then decides that it's not what they're looking for, yes it's rejection, but if we can allow ourselves to say no then we can allow others to say no.  Sometimes no is not now.  And sometimes no is just no.  

So to the girl at the casino counter:  I see your hurt.  I see your pain.  I've been there.  Two failed marriages don't make you who you are.  You do.  Someone is going to say yes to you.  You've had the experiences of no.  No is a good place to be.  And because you've had the experience of yes and then no, you have some things to look out for for the next time.  Be grateful.  They're giving you you back. 

On being Alone - just my kind of awesome thing

Websites, posting boards, and craigslist Oh My!

In doing research I've been finding the "explosion" of dating websites and forums on the web.  Quite frankly, very frightening.    The anonymous nature of the web really allows people to be quite nasty to each other.    When I did this project 2005-2006 I posted an ad on craigslist and got a number of people to respond from craigslist and interviewed them.   I never had a bad experience and I never felt unsafe.   Today it's a little different (lookup Craigslist Killer, stalkers, etc.).  Not that society has changed much, but the reality of doing that and what that entails certainly puts me a little uneasy.  Which leads me to think about all the people who use dating sites, webboards and such to find dates.  And how they put themselves out there and risk things like ridicule or much, much worse.  

In going forward, I will be posting on craigslist to interview people, if only to see if people have found dates on craigslist and what their experiences have been.   There's a plethora of websites now and I'm looking into FB and others to see what's available there as well.   No wonder we're running out of IP addresses!

"Older" Daters

So this is an interesting site that I've come across.  I'm wondering what people's experiences are like.  Especially since this video starts off good with a couple who looks around the same age enjoying each other's company.  But then the next couple is a little more stereotypical or unfortunately typical as he looks significantly older than she does and the picture of them on the website does as well.  Any thoughts?

Moments of Inspiration - Find God's Match for You

I just love this commercial for so many reasons but this quote is one of them:
"Sometimes we wait for God to make the next move and when God is saying 'it's your turn to act'. "
It's not that I'm mocking Christianity, nor people that follow that religion, but it's marketing, very good and clever marketing. 

I would love to hear from anyone who has subscribed to these sites and see what their experiences have been. 

The Old Script

So I thought I'd describe what the old project looks like.  If anyone is interested in seeing it, please email me and I'd be happy to send it to you.  There are 10 characters in this piece, reason number one to revise.  The stage is set with seven small cafe tables.  There are five women and three men in this piece.  The characters or interviewees were based on the interviews that were taken.  Lights up on our  our characters.  Tabitha, the Janine-Garafalo type gal, an RN with a pack a day habit, comes off tough bur her revelations gives us a softer and often painful insight into her toughness.  Irene is a type A lesbian who is looking for love in all the wrong personality traits, including hers.  Jennifer is a naive sweet thing, with a good heart and bad ideas.  Briana is your night-club hoping thirty something that needs to figure herself out before she ventures any further.  Sally rounds out the girls, no longer a girl herself but approaching her later adult years with a insiders knowledge of "professional dating."  Ken, a sort of Dwight Shrute without the arrogance, is not so bright of a bulb in the relationship department.  Joe is the married subject, wilder days behind him but with that wisdom he knows how to be a good husband and father.  And then we come to Andrew, the Stage Managerish presence that oversees the whole thing and guides the story along.  They all know they're being interviewed.  They all know what the subject is.  And what they reveal is telling, funny, poignant and sometimes just uncomfortable.  There are a male and female character that emerge and do some re-telling of stories.  And it's just way to long.  And way too difficult to stage, although I have already done it.  If you're interesting in reading it, hit me up. :)

Question: What would you do differently if you knew what you know now?

 Some of this blog is going to be answers from interviewers.  So I thought I'd post this one:

"Knowing what I know now, I would have been braver.  I look around and see a cute guy and I think "I could have dated him, I would have flirted with him right here in the line, right here in the coffee shop, I would have gotten his number and been brave enough to meet him for a date."  I would have gotten more numbers.   I would have gone on more online dates.  I would have gone to the gym and flirted with the personal trainers.   I would have not been so attached to whether or not the date went well, whether he ever called or if I ever saw him again.  I would have been playing the field more, yes, I would date multiple at a time and let them all know they weren't exclusive and if they wanted me exclusively, well, it would have to be worth my while.  Not that they weren't but I would have had way more fun in my single-hood.   Whatever.  I don't know why I was so afraid.   I don't know what I was so afraid of.  Rejection, well, yes, but rejection doesn't mean that you aren't worthy or aren't attractive it just means that the person that you are interested in isn't interested in you and those are their reasons and they have nothing really to do with you.  Attraction is an evolution of a person.  What I was attracted to when I was a teenager, a twenty-something, totally different today.  I guess I am more curious about people today and willing to dive a little deeper into seeing who I'm really talking to beyond what they look like on the outside.   That saying about "beauty is only skin-deep" is not just talking about character but really that elusive youth that we try to contain and keep but time removes and strips away.    The person you hope to be involved with, that person who you think is so sexy, what are they going to look like in forty years.  And better yet, what are you going to look like then?  It is character that remains sexy, vibrant, lovable and keeps me coming back for more.  The ability to make me laugh.  The ability to hold space and caring for another person.  The ability to be a true friend.  What they think and what they choose to do with their time.  Their creative brain.  Character is sexy.  Character is everything.  You're going to have an old man across the table from you one day, hands wrinkled, skin weathered, bad teeth, broken knees.  What are you going to talk about?  The adventures you had together or the fact that the teeth are bad, and botox didn't ever really help?  Yeah, I would have been more slutty.  I would have played the field and not even thought twice about it.  Not in a hurtful way but in an inquisitive, exploration of this life and who we're on this journey with.  And who I am, not defined by my fears, but my experiences."

Questions

Here are some of the questions that most people ask about this project:

* Are you going to use my stories in your play?  Maybe, if they're really interesting and fit within the story I'm creating.  However, there are a number of websites, novels, shows dedicated to the subject of dating stories so unless the story is really interesting, maybe not?

* What are you using and why?  It's more about the experience of meeting people and hearing what they have to say that will contribute to the creation of this piece.  I'm taking the pulse of what's going on in this moment and seeing what people are saying, more than retelling of stories.

* Where could I see this play?  This play will have a public reading in San Diego and will be broadcast on the web.  If you participate in the project, you are invited to the first reading!

And so this begins

Just launched today, more will be revealed....