Questionable Profiles

So part of this project is me subjecting myself to the many things that daters are doing in order to find that special someone.   So I'm cruising some various online websites and putting in my stats, female looking for man between ages of 38 and 49.  Here's just a few that unfortunately weren't hard to find:

Male, 41, separated, reads the 'bibl' and can't seem to spell many words

Male, 49, divorced, picture looks like a mug shot for a serial killer, 'ultra-conservative' but loves to watch soap operas?

Male, 41, apparently shirtless torso photos aren't just for Grindr?
Male, 45, see above...
Male, 47, should hit him up if you're a freak....do I really need to post anymore?

But overall, there were over 1200 profiles that matched my stats on one site and most of them were good, meaning some decent profiles and they weren't asking for a miracle woman to come along.
Stay tuned, I'm still searching....

Website review - Date Like a Grown Up

In my looking up various search terms and seeing what comes up, I found Bobbi Palmer's website dedicated to women over 40.  Considering the fact that she married for the first time at the age of 47 and that her former corporate career involved team building and coaching, she just might have that life experience that can be shared for those who find themselves still dating in their 40's.  Yes, she's selling a book but doesn't everyone?  Her message is pretty positive and goes beyond just dating do's and dont's and more into self-inquiry and self-care. 
I'm traveling at the moment and will not attempt to blog or email as Mom's internet is dial-up (gasp!)

Got advice?

In the blogospere, everyone has advice to give.  Most dating sites even have their own advice column or forum on dating.  There are relationship coaches, dating coaches, online profile consultants and pretty much anything you think of that people have uncertainty about.  They cater to niche markets and some try to appeal to the masses.  Some are 'professionals' who have some letters beside their name and some qualify themselves as 'life experienced'.   And it can be quite profitable, think of "The Rules" or "He's just not that into you" and where that has taken those authors.  But a recent article on yahoo on how to go from the 'just friends' to relationship made me think of those times that I had gone down that road, and ended up in a ditch.   Don't get me wrong, I also ended up with a friend for life but after many flat tires, broken axles and some blown engines in the process.   While I don't intend for this blog to turn into an advice column at all, it's not the purpose, I had some 'counter-thoughts' to this little article I read.

Friendship is the first relationship outside of the parent, sibling, relative paradigm I experienced.   Probably the first thing I did with a non-related person was play.   Barbies, games at school, the first interaction was probably involved with some sort of play.  So there, we have something in common.  That's how it starts.  Much like dating.  So there's already a common area and feeling around this person.  Not hard for it to go somewhere else.   But here's the part that the article didn't really go into much.  What happens if they don't share the same feelings or desires as you do?  What happens then?

There were many times that if I would have thought things through and really took a look at what my actions were stemming from, I would have saved myself some headache and possibly saved a friendship. Is this "attraction" to my "friend" a hormonal thing (you're either incredibly attracted to them or you find yourself lonely and attracted to your friends?) or are you looking for the 'friends with benefits package?'  Most of the time, I was looking for something that this person couldn't or wouldn't provide.  What if the friend isn't interested?  I have had only ONE relationship with a friend who was interested in me and I did not share the feelings that we were able to remain friends afterwards.    Space, time and a commitment to staying friends was needed for this to happen.  What would it look like and how would I behave or really, how should I behave to this person if they reject me?  There are friends I have deeper friendships with and deeper trust than others.  Do I want to lose that to step into another arena?  Or can I take that into another arena at all?  This takes work, I know from deep personal experience, i.e. the relationship I'm currently in and the therapy it's taken to stay there.  It's willingness to take the risk of opening oneself up to new possibilities but being ready for what those entail, the car repair shop, and even retirement of the vehicle if it crashes. 

Website review - Sweet on Geeks

"Sweet on Geeks A Space Where Gray Matters" aptly describes the website designed for and catered to the geek looking for love.  At a low membership price ($5 a month take that Ewwharmony and Mismatched dot com) the site offers members options like joining groups of shared thought or interest (Buffy fans, The Klingon Empire) making this part social network part dating site.  Their newsletter touts various success stories including one couple who was married by a computer.  You can have friends, you can wink at people, now only if you could teleport to a date, that would make this site complete.

The Professionals

Last week I was having a much long overdue conversation with a good friend who is a retired writer for a big network about writing.  I am terribly honored and grateful to have this friend, who believes in me and my work.  We were discussing the former play and the subject turned to the oldest profession and his idea came in the form of a character for the play.  My response, 'her name is Sally.'
I like to call them "The Professionals."  Now, they vary in services and terminology, but ultimately, there is a form of dating going on and sometimes what they are looking for is a little less love and a little more tangible, economically.  When I did the interviews for the Dating Pool, one of our subjects was a former escort.  'Sally' was also a former dancer, in the non-ballerina kind of dancing but more pole persuasion.  And while she implied that she did not actually exchange money for more intimate aspects of her company, she would be a rare spot in that business.
So in her participation, we got some extra insight into the world of professional dating.  Which leads me to a great article that I just saw on The Good Men Project about the 'sugar-daddy syndrome.' A much more formalized approach to the pay to play world of escorts and more of an ongoing relationship.  Sugar Daddy & Sugar Baby Blog, Seeking Arrangement all getting some mainstream attention to this type of "dating".   Are these a more carved out explanation of arrangements for a relationship, including financial compensation, or is this the oldest profession in another disguise? 
It doesn't help me as a writer to offer judgements about people about "what they're doing."  Instead, I think that these are all a part of a very human experience in this life.   There are many reasons people do things.  It's better for me to put myself in someone else's shoes than offer reasons why in my morality, something is right or wrong.  I believe I come to a greater understanding of humanity that way.

Men, Men and More Men

Granted, I can't really post about all the blogs I'm finding and the twits I'm following but these were too hard not to mention.  First Guyliner, a gay dating blog in which one man's quest into the online dating world becomes the next blog post.  These stories are totally relatable, including this one, where if you've ever been a little scatter-brained and not paying attention to who you're talking to you just might end up on a date with the wrong person.  The other, a non dating site but needless to say an opportunity to increase your vocabulary, perhaps, with another f*cking word.  And last, The Good Men Project, which warms my heart to the very core and goes against all the stereotypes about what men think and talk about.   They're breaking all the codes of silence and talking about issues that men face from eating disorders to mental illness.  Thank you for making my time in the web today well spent.